God, the past two days have been so boring. No offense Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Jersey but I need more to look at than an RV Hall of Fame and signs for a restaurant called A Real Burrito. Gross! And what was up with the hour and a half wait at the Olive Garden? It’s not even real food, people! Not that we ate there or anything.
This traffic is starting to pile up. Where were all you people yesterday? Well dear, I guess this is the last moment before we “move” our sweet baby and dog buddy with us to New York. WTF, we have to pay a $13 entrance fee or “toll” as they like to call it? Mild enough weather, nice to see the sun. Parking spot on the street in front of our home away from home? Don’t mind if I do! This weather not mild enough for my baby to be outside sans jacket and socks. Get her dressed! Hurumph, dear.
No, I booked this place. Why? How bad can it be? It’s just for a couple of days until we get our stuff delivered to our $17,000 apartment. No it’s fine that I have to walk sideways to get through the entry hall. Hmmmm. I mean, I can see where they are going decor wise with trying to represent every eastern philosophy and using every available square inch of their real estate here, but I wouldn’t have made these decisions. How bad can it be?
Shit! Baby is crawling over to that broken mirror at perfect baby level. I thought they said this was baby friendly. Baby girl what do you have?! OMG this is crusty roach killing gel she just found under fridge. Sweet baby, you are covered in dust and lint from crawling around on these allegedly clean floors. Buddy, don’t eat that! Hmmmm.
Dear, can you run and take our rental car to a garage, where our fully packed car will remain safe from burglars trying to fence stolen bed linens, the dog crate, plants, and hangers? I’ll set up the Pack n’ Play in the second “bedroom”, baby is getting tired. Shit, she just closed the door and some huge and heavy metal thing crashed on her tiny little legs. I haven’t heard her scream this badly in a while. OK, this could be better but so far could also be worse.
Time to bathe the baby! Is that old soap crusted to the bottom of the their mauve colored, cracked tub? Gross! Oh, well. Came off easily enough. Great, either scalding hot or ice cold. You gotta wait angel baby, I have to alternate between the water temperatures. This bath water looks kind of filmy. Wait, what’s that floating around in the bath water? Sick! Hair and more dust and lint! I swear to god that’s a pube. Sick! Gotta get this baby out of there!
I’m going to put your PJs on baby girl, but I don’t really want to set you down because you’ll get dirty. OK, fine, I guess just get down, you must have gotten most of the dirt of the floor before your bath. Shit, covered in dust bunnies already. At least we have wine and can watch the Oscars. Don’t mind if I do!
Pizza is on the way, baby is in her bed. It’s kind of cold in here. I need to find a sweater. I hope she’s OK. Pizza is good! Wine is good! Oscars are meh. I’m pretty tired, geeze dear, you still have that cough? Well let’s go to bed.
Hmmm. I think this is a futon mattress masquerading as a bed. My feet are falling off the end! Oh, buddy it’s ok. I know we can hear every sound every person and every dog makes and every slam of every door, but it’s ok. Fine, you can come in bed with us. Shit, there’s not enough covers for both of us. It’s still pretty cold in here. I hope the dog warms me up. Do you think she’s ok, dear? Buddy, you don’t have to be on high alert for every sound. Please, let’s just sleep. I’m so tired.
Dog shifting, husband coughing, me freezing. This won’t work. Time to “wake” up, it’s 6:30a. I’ll go get the baby out of her room. Shit, this room is basically an ice box. Didn’t seem to bother her but I hope she doesn’t suffer long term damage. Can you get hypothermia later?
So I see a coffee pot all the way up there but we don’t have any ground coffee or filters or counter space to place the pot. Thanks dear, yes please go find us coffee. And breakfast. Wow it is really hard to feed a baby with out a high chair. She only had a few bites of food. Hopefully she will eat more at lunch.
Oh crap! I need to schedule our sofa bed delivery time for today so we can get the hell out of this shit hole! What do you mean lady? I was confirmed for today. Yes please, tomorrow at the earliest time will have to do.
Tears, tears, and more tears. I can’t stay here until our stuff comes. It’s gross and cold and uncomfortable and I’m so tired. I haven’t slept a full night in almost two weeks. Sniffle, sniffle, yes an air mattress on the floor of our $17,000 apartment will be fine. I don’t want to move to a hotel and then move out of here and then move into our apartment. I just want to be in our place. Yes, that makes me feel better. Thank you.
OMG, yes please take the dog with you to work. That would be so wonderful. I’ll call you after I get the keys. I’m so excited to go to our apartment! At least she is napping and there is wireless internet here. Call mom, sob, complain, sob. Call sisters, sob, complain, sob.
Time to get the baby up and see if she will eat! NO??? Please, sweet baby. I’m worried about you. You were sick last week, you’re still not fully hydrated. Please just eat or drink. NO??? This is a nightmare! Cold piece of pizza? Don’t mind if I do.
Time to go to our place. Wow, so sunny! This will be a nice walk. Here we are, at our building. It’s so pretty. I forgot to put on real socks and now I have blisters. Oh well. We are home! Home is where our $17,000 is! I wish that saying didn’t end in a preposition.
Hi! Yes I am here for my keys. I’m new. Up the elevator, oh yes I remember those weird but kind of ok wall decals in the hall. I wonder if they are only on our floor. Here’s our place. OMG, I’m so excited. I think Sadie and I should just stay here. She can sleep in her stroller. Wait, why are there men working? Our lease started four days ago. This looks serious. What do you mean we can’t stay here until tomorrow at the earliest? No, no that will not do. Tears are coming, must stop them, tears are coming, must stop them. Yes, we are fine with opening the windows, it’s only 35 degrees. That’s balmy compared to Chicago right now. Sure, fine we will all sleep in the back bedroom. Can I at least leave all the shit in that closet that I lugged over a mile? Great, thanks.
OK, sweet baby. I guess we have to go back to our other place. Please eat or drink, my angel. I’m so worried about you. Please eat something. Alright, well you have to try to nap. Call Mom, sob, complain, sob. Call sisters, sob, complain, sob. I just need to get the hell out of here.
Time to get the baby up! Hopefully she will eat or drink SOMETHING. She’s in good spirits I guess. What was that? Did you just…? Sweet baby, that is some nasty diarrhea. I can only find three wipes! Please eat, baby girl, I’m so worried.
Yes, dear, I need you to skip that meeting or risk the baby and me hightailing it all the way back to Chicago. Please come here now and help us move all our stuff to our $17,000 apartment. Pack, cram, pack. Ready to go!
Sure, I’ll watch Friends.
Cold piece of pizza? Don’t mind if I do. Yay, they’re here! Let’s go right now. Baby girl please get out of the trash. Seriously, we have to go. You drive the car, I’ll walk the babies and meet you there. Do you know how to get there? Great. See you in 20.
Oh, hi. Great parking space! Here is your door key, I have mine. I’ll watch the kids and start airing out the apartment. You bring the stuff up. Hey that’s a lot for the first load! Wait, what? What do you mean you lost your key? I just gave it to you. Where did it go? What do you mean you lost it in the door? How does that even happen. I guess take mine. Shit. Hurumph, dear.
FUCKSHITGODDAMNIT. Well there goes our coffee mugs I so expertly packed so we could have coffee. Oh, hi. Yes, I’m fine. The bottom fell out of this box and I broke some stuff and the baby is trying to escape into the hallway. Totally fine. What’s wrong? What happened? You broke my Nowhere Man. Are you sure? ……………… OK. It’s ok. Let’s just get this done.
Hey! You’re moving at quite a clip! What do you mean you lost the key? My key? That can’t be. Where did you lose it? You think in a bag? What bag? Did you LOOK in that bag? Just move, for fuck’s sake. Stop helping. I’ll find it. Oh, thank god. Here it is. Put it in the same place, every time. Please.
God, that took forever. Ok, you go take the car back to the rental company and I will order food, put the baby down and blow up the air mattress. Please eat sweet baby. I’m so worried about you. Fine, just go to sleep. Please wake up in the morning.
OK, air mattress, let’s do this. I’m so tired. “Place blow dryer directly to valve, put on cool setting and watch your bed inflate!” Uhhhh, nothing is happening. I am going to have to blow this damn thing up manually. I haven’t slept or eaten all day, really. I hope I don’t pass out.
Dear, I can’t get this fucking thing to inflate. What? Oh. Oh, yes I see. Well, fine. Thanks. That was easy.
Want some wine? God, that food was incredible. Yeah, the smell is bad but it’s better than that other place. I hope we don’t poison the baby. Let’s make the bed and go to sleep. I may die if I don’t sleep. You still have the cough, huh? At least it’s warm in here. Nyquil? Don’t mind if I do!